Desperation
by Tears of Ten
Summary: Jake digs deep inside himself and thinks about Cassie and Tom... and has to make the difficult choice of choosing one or the other for life.


Desperation 

By: Tears of Ten

To: Those who have made an impact on my life. 

Is it too much to say

I love you till this day,

And if I die before I wake

I pray it's both our souls

The good lord takes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Jake. My mother named me that at birth. I've always been Jake. I'll live a Jake. I'll die a Jake.

Dying. A victorious celebration that will be. For the other side, of course.

Yes…no more Jake the Yeerk killer. And I don't know where I'm destined. Heaven doesn't look good.

I'd say I'm not going to Heaven. I have too many sins.

Is it sad to say I've lost count?

Is it sad to say…I know where I'm going?

And is it sad to say… I hate myself?

I do.

I hate my horrible, malicious, deprived self.

Deprived of real oxygen. What I'm breathing is dirty air. 

Every step I take, I make mistakes. And the ground shakes with me. I don't know the last time I've showed emotion. 

I'm a tough leader. Nothing breaks me. Corrupted by my own mind. Thriving inside of me is a blackened heart. Cold as ice. No one, but no one has broken that ice. Except for Cassie, maybe.

I don't know real tears. I haven't felt them in so, so long.

I don't cry.

Real leaders don't cry.

Maybe I'm not a real leader.

Maybe I'm just a boy. A frightened, confused teen. Middle school is hard. Life itself is hard. War is terrible. Combined, I want to kill myself sometimes from the sheer pressure and terror of it all. It makes me sick to think back on all the things I've done.

There's that, and Cassie. But she's basically not a problem.

There one more thing I dread in my life.

The day that the time comes that I have to murder someone.

That someone was my brother.

Tom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hey, Midget,' said Tom.

'Morning Tom,' I muttered.

I sat down at the table and drank a sip of my orange juice. 

Tom sat down across from me. 

'Jake, you're scaring me.' He got a strange look on his face. I looked at his forehead. The Yeerk was working his magic. Pulling my brothers strings.

Then I looked down at my Wheaties. I poured the milk over the cereal over again.

'I know you're going to shove this in my face, and laugh. But Jake, stop it. Stop staring at my forehead.'

I looked up. 'Sorry.' I had been thinking about that Yeerk in my brother's head.

I got up and got my Nike's. Then I grabbed my bookbag. A scowl on my face, and no homework I waited for the bus in the early morning. 

The bus pulled up.

I stepped on.

'Jake.' It was Cassie; she had a seat saved for me.

'Hey, Cassie.'

I sat down and looked out the window. The scenery rushed by in a mass of swirling trees and houses. Typical suburbia.

'Jake?'

I looked away. 'Hmm?'

'You don't seem yourself today. Is… something wrong?'

I tried out my best fake smile. 'Nothing.'

But Cassie saw past that. She frowned. 'Jake, there is something bothering you.'

I laughed. It came out harsh. 'No, Cassie. Nothing. I'd tell you if there was.'

Cassie figured I was telling the truth or not. But she looked down at the cover of her math book, like it was interesting.

'Jake?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you… think about Tom?'

'Like how,' I said. Her face scrunched up in a thoughtful frown.

'Like do you wish he was free? Because I know you think it sometimes.'

I sighed. Leave it to Cassie.

'Yeah.'

We sat for awhile. Thinking.

I said nothing. Perhaps for the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked throughout the forest. Invincible. 

I was a tiger. A black and orange male tiger.

Death on four legs.

And that's what I planned to do. I don't whom I was stalking. But I was hot on his scent. _His_ scent? How did I know it was a he? I just did. I guess. I still didn't know who it was. But I was getting closer. Closer. Closer. I could smell him.

I came into a clearing. My prey was no match!

Prey?

Who exactly was I? 

Jake?

No, Jake left. I'm a tiger.

'Help me!' Called a voice. My prey. 

I ran ready to pounce. Then stopped short.

The figure I chasing was familiar. It looked like…

It was…

NO!

It was Tom.

Tom was my meat. Tom was my prey.

But I didn't care. A tiger was a tiger. Food was food.

And basically, Tom was food.

I pounced.

'Noooo…'

I awoke.

I was in my room, shaking, but not scared. Because that dream was very reoccurring and so deadly real. I had that dream almost every night. I was a tiger. So what? But, only few times I had distinct prey. This was one of those times.

I was going to murder my own brother.

Proudly.

But as a tiger.

Tiger's don't feel, on the contrary to what Cassie says. Sometimes they just are hungry. They don't care if it's a family member.

Like a brother.

I rolled over and shut my eyes.

I felt sick inside.

I closed my eyes and sleep claimed me.

But what was strange, was the way Tom looked. Helpless. And I hoped he was never in that position. 

I hoped I wasn't either.

But I knew in my heart, I wouldn't kill Tom.

And the scary thing? It wouldn't matter one way or the other to him.

Brother or no, he'd kill me anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I awoke to the sounds of silence.

Night. It was still night!

I groaned and looked at my clock

'2:00?' I mumbled.

Why had I woke up, again?

The night's airs were languid and still. The nightly breath seemed at a whisper. I rubbed my eyes.

Down the stairs I crept. In to the kitchen. I picked up a large knife and… played around with it my hands. No, too obvious.

I walked to a secret box, in which Tom thought was a secret.

A deadly secret.

Something deadly.

I lifted the lid. There in the gleaming moonlight was a gun. A Dracon beam. I handled it in my arms. With it, I felt very secure. Tom scared me.

I went to put it back in its place. Then something came over me.

I felt so, so… powerful with it. Without I felt… no, not scared. Not helpless either. I felt ill prepared. I couldn't morph in front of Tom, so it was nice to have a weapon.

Not that I was going to use it.

No.

I crawled back into place in my bed. Able to sleep now. 

And with a cocky, confident, smug grin on my face, and a deadly weapon at rest in my arms I laughed, _Get me now, Yeerk. And next time you even_ try_? You're mine_.

I heard the door to Tom's room open.

I looked out at the hall and drew in a sharp breath. He was creeping out. To the Yeerk pool. I knew his game. Yeah, let's see him try.

I guess he heard me breath. I don't know. But he turned around, and looked at me.

He stamped back up the stairs. And paused on the last step.

'What are you doing?' he asked. 'Following me?'

'No, I'm not,' I said, right back.

His expression was horrible. It didn't look like Tom.

Then it softened. He looked amused. And slightly demented.

He reached in a small pouch dangling from his belt. It held a knife. He looked at it. He smiled in a seemingly normal matter

He put the knife at my face. No, in my face.

'Jake,' he said through clenched teeth, 'Mom and dad know nothing. You know nothing. And if you keep this straight, no one gets hurt.' He smiled again.

He walked off laughing.

Ha.

Ha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning my clock ticked me awake.

I slammed the snooze button.

Sleep.

Good.

Wait a minute. This was Saturday. I climbed out of my warm bed. Something stumbled onto the floor out of my bed sheets.

The Dracon beam.

I remembered last night.

Should I put it back?

I contemplated what I should do.

In the end, the Dracon beam went in a secret pocket of my closet behind too-small clothes and winter stuff. I wonder if Tom would come in looking.

So I reached up and winced as I pulled a single hair out of my head.

I placed the hair right above the doorknob. If Tom opened the door, the hair would fall. And I'd know Tom had been there.

I walked to the kitchen. I sat down to some eggs. Tom came down a few minutes later.

'Hi, Jake,' said Tom.

He sat down. My family was together, like always. We ate some breakfast. Laughed.

I smiled. 

Then his face turned cold.

Then back to normal.

He looked strained.

Fight it Tom.

But, I knew the Yeerk would win.

Tom walked out of the kitchen and to the den.

'Jake, come here for a sec!'

'Be right back.'

I walked to the living room, cautiously. In the old days Tom would've probably been trying to scare me or something stupid.

'What Tom-'

He grabbed my shirt and pinned me to the wall.

'All right. Where is it?' he asked.

I glared at him. I wasn't afraid of my big brother. He wasn't even that big. There were no knives of guns in sight- and he was without his handy little Yeerk weapon.

'What?' I stated coyly. Tom released me. I fell to the floor, and scrambled up quickly.

'No. I know what you have. Gun please.' He held out his hand.

'Whoa. You have a gun? Cool. Can I see it?' I said, nonchalantly. 

'Jake! Now give me that gun!'

'Tom. I don't know what you want. I have no gun. Stop it. You're scaring me.'

'Well, regardless of what you say, I will have it back. It's dangerous. I know it's in your closet.' He put on his concerned big brother attitude. I wondered if it was the real Tom. No, it wasn't. Tom was gone

'Tom-'

'Jake, just give it to him!' Tom wailed.

I watched as Tom writhed on the floor.

'Tom? Tom? TOM?' I yelled.

He grabbed my wrist. And held it till the circulation was cut off.

'Help. I mean…'

His head snapped back into place.

'Come on.' He tightened the grip on my wrist, if that was even possible. He led me out of the living room.

'Everything okay?' asked my mom.

'Sure,' said Tom. 'There was just some music video on MTV. I wanted him to see.'

'I didn't hear a TV…' said my dad. His face got that, 'what's up now' look.

My mom sent him a 'at least they're not fighting' look.

He led me up the stairs.

When we reached the destination- my room – Tom let go off my wrist violently. 

'Get it,' he snapped.

'All right.' I dug out the weapon. No choice. He had a knife. I knew it was still in its little pouch.

He snatched it from me. And pointed it in my face. 'Thank you, Jake.' For a split second I thought he was going to shoot me with the beam. He grinned evilly. 

Shoot me?

No.

Not Tom.

He put it in a secret pocket in the lining of his baggy blue jeans.

'May I ask a question. No, wait I don't care. Why do you have a gun?'

Tom said a word I'm not going to repeat. Then he laughed, and rubbed my hair. I pushed his hand away.

'A little aggressive aren't we?'

He turned and walked off laughing. I tried to control myself from yelling, 'Let me have my brother back!'

I felt something wet on my cheek.

It was tears.

Sometimes people don't appreciate people in their life, like older brothers. People don't live forever.

And once their gone, you realize you'd taken them for granted.

I always thought that Tom would always be there.

But now, I'd do anything or give anything –my life, my freedom- to here him use his own voice just once.

Tom had changed.

He was letting his mask slip. 

I was letting mine slowly slip too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up the phone in my room. And dialed a familiar number.

'Hello?'

'Hi Cassie.'

'Oh… hi, Jake.'

'How are you?' I asked. I wasn't well. Not recently. But Cassie worried about me.

'I'm fine. Are you okay Jake?'

I smiled- almost. She was so good.

'Yeah. I'm okay. Just wanted to call and talk.'

'I was thinking a nice chat would clear my head too.'

We made small talk.

'Jake, wanna come over?'

'Why?'

I could almost hear her smile. 'I don't know. Just for a little while. You know. To just… 'chat'.'

'Okay. Let me tell my parents.' 

'Okay. We'll do the usual. '

'I'll be there in a few minutes.' I hung up, and looked at my new watch. About ten or ten thirty.

I walked downstairs. 'I'm going to Cassie's.'

Tom smiled. 'Aw, Jake's going to his girlfriend's.'

'Shove it.'

He grabbed a muffin and threw it at me. I grabbed it and bit into it.

'Thanks.'

My dad laughed.

My mom rolled her eyes. 

I walked out the door, and got on my bike.

Cassie's it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hi, Cassie.'

I walked into the barn. Cassie sat on a hay bale; not her usual busy self.

'Oh, hi Jake. I'm done with the Saturday morning chores. I go the rest of the day off. You free?'

'Yeah, I'm free.'

'Great.' She paused. Then smiled. 'Wanna go hang or something?' she added apprehensively. 

'We could have a picnic in the park,' I suggested. But my attempt was met with an ill-tempered frown. She looked downright… mad.

'Jake, there is something you have to tell me. I can tell. Something happened this morning. Didn't it?' she said anxiously. 

I looked down at my hands. 'Tom worries me. Last night… I heard him walk out. So I followed him. And he pulled a knife on me. That's not the point. So… I took something of his.'

Cassie eagerly leaned forward. 'What?'

'Something they're all issued. A Dracon beam. And he found out.'

'What?' Cassie's mouth opened in indignant outrage.

'And… I had to give it back… he threatened my parents Cass.' She had to understand. This was Tom.

'How could you do something like that? He could've found out who you are!' _Too right girl, he probably already has._

'I'm sorry Cassie. I just didn't want anything to happen.'

'And gave it back, right? That is so begging for trouble... and-'

'I'm sorry.' I hung my head. I shouldn't have done that. It's dangerous to do anything to Tom.

'It's… all right. Just don't do that okay? Tom's dangerous.'

'I know.'

'And you know what Jake? Crazy and stupid as you are, I love you.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We hooked up at the mall with the rest of my friends.

Cassie and I kept the run in I had with Tom our secret. No sense worrying everyone. So we sat in the food court, eating some Taco Bell.

I bit into my soft taco. Funny, I never tasted it.

Marco and Rachel were trading snappy one-liners; Tobias sipped his Coke self-conscious about being in civilization. Ax inhaled nachos, and Cassie and I were a bit silent.

I looked at Cassie. I think she's beautiful. Everyone thinks Rachel's the special one. Rachel has a look-at-me kind of air. Cassie is not a kind of show off, but a special light follows her. It's sort of a glow that comes from her inside. She's warm, and caring.

And the type of person whom cares about morals and what has a soul.

The person I'm not.

And wish I could be more like Cassie.

Sweet.

Nice.

Caring.

A real heart beating inside a real person.

'Jake! Earth to Jake!' I looked up. Marco was waving a burrito in my face. Or a small bite of one.

'You zoned out,' said Rachel.

'Sorry.'

'Yeah.'

Marco took a loud sip of his orange soda. He gave me a look that read,_ We'll talk later._

After Ax and Tobias and Rachel and Cass went their separate ways, I got up to leave.

Marco grabbed my arm, causing me to spill some soda down the front of my shirt.

'I got something to tell you.'

'What?'

'Meet at Cassie's barn. Seven-thirty.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That evening I walked into the kitchen. The smell of dinner was overwhelming. I was hungry. I checked my watch. An hour before I had to leave.

'Mom?'

'Hi, Jake. Didn't here you come in.'

'Is dinner almost ready?'

'Just about. Why?'

'I'm starved.'

We sat down for dinner.

'This is good roast mom.'

'This is good Nikki,' said my dad.

'I gotta split,' I said. 'Bye.'

'Hey Jake?' called Tom.

'What?'

'Be back for dessert.'

I grimaced. Then smiled. And made a mad man dash to Cassie's. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I entered the barn. Everyone was were they were supposed to be. Still, something was missing.

Maybe it was the atmosphere.

It was cold.

Intense.

'Hi, Cassie. Hi, Rachel, Marco, Ax, Tobias.'

Hello, Prince Jake.

We talked and laughed for a bit. 

'Didn't Erek say he was coming by?' asked Marco.

' Uh-huh,' replied Cassie. 

'Wonder what it's about,' said Rachel. 

'It's about Tom,' I said.

I looked down at the word 'Tom'.

I looked at the door expectantly. 

'Maybe we found out something…big.'

'Really?' 

He should be here any minute now.

'Any minute now.' 

Cassie nodded. 

Rachel looked away.

But Marco kept his intense glare on the door. 'He say's… it's something Jake should know.

'What?' I cried.

'It's nothing, Jake. Really.'

'Marco?' asked Rachel. 'Do you or do you not know?'

Five bucks it's bad news, said Tobias.

'You on,' I said flatly.

'I don't know, but Jake, all signs point to 'ding, ding, bad news'!' said Marco.

The barn door opened. There stood Erek.

'Hi,' he said. He plopped down on a hay bale. Seemingly normal, with an Android inside. 

As soon as he sat down, Rachel leapt up.

'Okay,' she said, 'What's the news?' She had her normal Rachel enthusiasm. No doubt hoping for a battle.

'Are we safe?' I asked.

He nodded. 'Three of my people watching me. No one yet.'

'Cassie?'

'My parents are gone till around eight. In about an hour.'

'Good. Erek… I know I'll regret this, but, did you need to tell us something?'

'What this trip was all about. And basically Jake, it's about something else. Tom.'

I swear my heart stopped beating. The blood froze in my veins. 

'He has a meeting with the Visser. The Visser. Spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e. I found this out last trip I made to the Yeerk pool. Tom's Yeerk is in trouble for failure to complete a mission.'

I leaned forward. 'What mission.'

'The failure to complete the mission. The mission was to get you, Jake. You know too much, they think. And Tom's mission was to make you a Controller. His second mistake was aborting the mission. His first mistake was taking it.'

What happens? asked Ax, with a small smug voice. Mostly it was worry. He knows it's my brother. I hoped the all felt the way I did.

'Well, the penalty for defying an order is usually… death.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shut my eyes and rocked back. 'Death?'

'Of his Yeerk.'

That sounded good. But there was a disadvantage in that small, somewhat personal victory- if you could call it that. 

'And Tom will be killed.' Erek sighed. 'To keep him from talking.'

'We- we've got to save him!' I cried.

We can not Prince Jake. We will reveal our secret.

I pursed my lips tightly. And drew in an angry breath.

'When's the sentencing to take place?' asked Cassie. She shot me a sympathetic look.

'Soon. To soon to react.'

'No,' I said, in disbelief.

We need a structured plan, said Tobias with fact.

'Dudes right. We need something solid. To pull off freeing Tom,' said Marco.

'I can't believe this. Rachel he's your cousin!'

Rachel leaned against a pole with her hands folded in front of her. She scowled darkly.

'Let him die in-' she began with a crooked, harsh look. 

'We have to save the world. Not one guy,' said Marco. 

'Marco's right.'

'To hear Xena say it…'

'Unless…' Marco kept his unwavering look on me. 'Jake plays hero. And saves the day. Remember when Tom and you had to go away for four days? You almost got us killed. Is this another one of those let-me-handle-it-cause-he's-my-brother situation?' 

I shook my head in pure incredulity.

'You think I'd do that?' I asked Marco.

'No, but I think you are going to. You have too much trust in him. I think you will eventually tell him,' Marco admitted.

'You have to trust me Marco! We've made it this far!' 

'Jake! This isn't some stupid game! This life and death, and the enemy is slowly dying and you care about one and not the whole? Don't you see logic?'

'You have to believe me. That's all I'm saying.'

'There's a lie in believe.'

I looked at him. 'How do I believe you won't tell your dad? To save his skin one day?'

His jaw dropped. 'That's cold Jake. He's all I got left. Even if he has Nora, he couldn't live with losing me. He's lost mom. He doesn't need to lose me.'

I shook my head. How could he say these things?

'Well, Tom is my brother. I don't want to lose him.'

'Sorry to burst your bubble,' said Marco, now angry, 'But, I think he doesn't feel the same way.'

I looked at him coldly.

'Given a chance he would kill you. Gotta toughen up Jake. Tom's gone. And in a battle, it matters if we win. _We_ win. Even, if it means losing Tom.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was three nights later. I just waited for Tom to leave.

Can a leader cry? No. No a leader can't cry. It isn't right. You have to be strong. For the good of your troop.

I wouldn't be a good pick for the military. Two years ago, I never even knew what to think about war.

Cassie had told me it was horrible.

Rachel told me it was natural.

Grandpa G told me it horrible.

You can't take anyone's word for it.

You gotta see for yourself.

Two years ago, I would've been a coward under fire.

Now, it would be like, 'So?'

And I hate that.

It was night and I was spending another sleepless night in bed with a frightening mixture of horror, insomnia, and paranoia.

Mostly nightmares.

I kept thinking about what Marco had said.

And all I could do was nod miserably and know he was right. No matter how much I deny it, it was right.

To would kill me.

I closed my eyes tightly.

I drifted into a land called the nightmares of my morbid mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

In my dream, I ran.

In the forest.

Sticker bushes and briars brushed at my legs. They were bare. I was cold and lost in my morphing suit. Bare foot.

A stick caught my foot.

Blood poured. I shook off the pain and ran more, not wanting to limp. Forget pain.

Something was after me.

And I couldn't stop.

I was having an attack of my lungs as they screamed for mercy.

So did my legs. My body ached.

It was like breathing through a straw. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't walk. But I had to run. 

I was afraid. It would kill me if it caught up to me.

Was it a wolf?

A bear?

A tiger?

I shuddered in my dream. Those are my friends.

Tears poured form my eyes. I had to get home.

No, get away!

I stumbled over a log. My naturally clumsy self.

I held my feet, who had bruises. I had to- wait. It was here.

A twig snapped.

I turned around.

'Well, hello Jake. I've caught you. Here you are. Put up a fight. No you're the victim, Tiger. No more Jake. I said hello, now I say bye.'

He picked up the Dracon. And set it on power level high. He pointed it at me.

'It's been fun brother.'

I sat up straight screaming. I looked down. I was gripping my pillow so hard, my knuckles were white.

I heard the door slam. And a car engine crank up.

I walked across the room, to the window.

It was Tom. Leaving for the Yeerk pool. I shuddered. The room felt cold/ A tear escaped. _No_ tears. I had to be tough. But I knew how much optimism I kept up; it would never get better.

I can't stop things from happening.

A little rain must fall in each life.

And in this situation, there was no silver lining on the cloud.

The phone rang. I glanced at my clock. Four-thirty.

At least it wasn't three.

'Hello?'

'Jake?'

I sat straight up.

'Cassie?'

'Yeah. Would you… are you… did I wake you up?

'No… I was just about to get up,' I lied.

She laughed. 'Right. Jake? Can you sleep?'

'After about seventeen nightmares and a whole lot of panicking. Yeah, I fell asleep.'

She had a worried voice. 'Wanna go fly?'

'What?'

'Fly. Morph into birds. We could go over the sea.'

'Shh. Okay. Let me check on Tom. See you in… ten minutes.' I set down the receiver.

I tiptoed to Tom's room.

To check on him.

Would he be asleep?

Or out?

All on chance, I opened the door.

Tom was asleep.

His chest went up and down.

Up.

And down.

In a rhythm

I walked back to my room.

Was he following me?

No.

He was asleep.

I'd seen him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stripped off my shirt. My morphing suit was underneath.

I closed my eyes. Peregrine falcon.

The outlines of my feathers appeared. Like pencil marks. Or a tattoo.

I began to shrink. My floor rushed up to greet me.

Smaller and smaller. 

My legs shriveled. And became talons.

My eyes circled back. They became on the side of my face. I could see a mile away. My eyes were good. Compared to human, I was blind.

My organs shifted. And bones crunched

It was supposed to hurt.

But it didn't.

My fingers melded together. Became wings.

Feathers down my back. Arms. My neck. 

I was a full bird.

I flexed my wings, and flew off into the rising sun. It was orange and yellow, and beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I flew through the open air.

The salty breeze off the sea caressed my feathers. I almost smiled. If I'd had a mouth. The time was about six in the morning. But the sun had climbed and I could tell today would be hot.

So… Jake, breaking your own rules?

I was flying with Cassie. My date.

This is fun, lighten up Cassie.

He tells me to lighten up, yet.

So… is this high enough for you?

Yes. Let's soar a little. OH! A thermal! Thermals, a pillar of warm air, were rare over the sea.

We both rode the thermal.

I love flying.

Sheer rapture.

Flying takes my mind off trouble.

It was a beautiful day. 

We have to get to school.

I forgot, said Cassie coolly. 

We flew.

Jake?

Yes?

I love you more than words. And I know Tom will be okay.

Thanks Cassie.

And I know you wouldn't tell him.

I hope not Cassie, I said. I hope not.

Jake? asked Cassie on our way back.

Maybe there is a way to free him, she said after I hadn't answered.

Like…how? I asked.

We could make up a plan.

Great Cassie, I said. No plan. We make up one.

It's not as bad as it sounds. You've done it.

We need help Cassie. I'm going to help Tom or die trying.

I felt a stab of self-projected anger towards the whole thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I paced the floor endlessly.

It was another restless night. I'm just waiting for Tom to never come home form a Sharing meeting. It's horrible.

I was miserable.

I needed a way out…

I looked at the window. _No _suicide. Not even an attempt. My parent's would think I was crazier than I already was. 

Forceful power of my imaginative, scary mind. On the contrary, dreams never come true. Most dreams. Tom was getting closer and closer. He was suspecting me of being a… non-member of the normal humanity.

And it was matters of minutes… stop Jake. Stop worrying.

I reached for the phone. No, no Cassie.

I couldn't get back to sleep.

No flying.

Only thing that would help me now was sleep itself.

But what if I had a… dream?

I sat down on the edge of my bed. A tear ran down my face. I'd vowed not to cry. But sometimes you can't help these things.

I buried my face in my pillow where no one could hear me sob.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once, awhile back I had a Yeerk in my head.

I was like Tom.

I never understood what it would feel like; to have a Yeerk, but I only needed that one experience to teach me of things we take for granted. Moment, for example. It was as if I was paralyzed. I couldn't talk, nor do anything. The Yeerk used me like a puppet. I could talk to my parents, joke with Tom, and learn at school. Tell Cassie I loved her. But it wouldn't be me. It would be a crude reproduction of me. Not Jake. The Yeerk opened my memory and found all about me. Read my life story. Saw embarrassing fantasies. One in particular. My basketball dream. And it saw the horrid dream in which I was hunting Tom.

My friends wised up. And realized that it wasn't me. And for once, Cassie had to be tough. And I was glad for her doubting my word. The secret was out. He knew.

But after three days, agony, and a Crayak dream, the filth died. Once mocking and taunting me. Poking fun at me, he grasped for dear life. And admitted defeat.

After tormenting me, the Yeerk finally with all the last respect it had for it's worthless self, said, I guess you win human.

And silently I thought, _we _will_ win. This is just one victory_. 

I hate to see things die. But this was an exception. 

But he taught me a lot about freedom. A lot about choice.

It was frightening.

He showed me Tom. Tom crying in the back of his mind for mercy. 'Leave Jake alone!' he wailed.

The Yeerk laughed.

I saw Tom kicking and screaming. Being dragged to the pool, violently. 

And he begged. Pleaded. And no one listened.

But what was scary was the expression he made when the Yeerk began to take control of his mind. It was blank.

No crying. Totally blank.

Then he grinned. And went about his business. He was now under control.

We became friends with a Yeerk once.

Aftran.

She taught us all about Yeerks.

She told us, 'Humans eat meat. Humans are just our meat.'

And she told us that how would you feel if you lived your life blind, then could see?

I don't like to look at Yeerks that way. Yeerks are evil, vile slugs.

Not all Cassie argues.

I beg to differ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I looked at Tom.

His forehead.

Yeerk.

I would get Tom back.

If it's the last thing I-

'Jake, I told you to stop that,' said Tom. Then he smiled. 'What is it with you and my head. Don't tell me you think you're looking empty space.'

'Stop?' I asked, snapping out of my reverie. 'Oh, yeah.'

'What's wrong Jake? You've barely touched your food,' said my mom. 'I thought you liked it.'

I wasn't very hungry. But I smiled. 'It's great. I love…' I looked down at my plate. 'Green beans.'

'Since when?' said my mom with a chuckle.

'Since you make them so good.'

Tom rolled his eyes. 'Suck up.' A typical Tom remark. Through his face I could see something else.

Fear.

I pushed my chair back.

'I'm going over to Cassie's,' I announced.

'Do you live over there or something?' asked Tom.

I rolled my eyes. 'Just a friend.'

Then I smiled with all the strength I could muster-which was not much- and walked calmly out of the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My motto used to be: never get caught never get grounded.

My motto now is: never get caught get killed.

And what they don't know can't hurt them. Except for me. I used to think I'd live forever. Nothing happen to me.

Boy, was this a rude awakening. I'll live three years if I'm lucky.

Maybe I won't be here tomorrow, maybe I will.

My rules for life were simple. Fulfill my goals, be what I wanted when I grew up and basically live. No way in there were the words, 'to dodge death like a deadly game of hide and go seek.'

I used to think nothing ever happened to guys like me.

And it bored me.

The creepy thing was, right before the Night that Changed My Life, I wished things would get more exciting. I wished to do more with life. 

And whenever I wish things were more exciting, I push it out of my mind. And when I'm scared, shocked, or hurt, all I can think is 'Whoa. Déjà vu. Where have I felt this before?'

Cassie and I live by different rules. Marco and I do too.

Cassie say's everything is a living creature. Everything has a mind and a soul and a voice to be heard. Even Yeerks. And she say's if it's in the way go around it. She sees the road to A to C isn't the right route, and you need to go to B.

I say, everyone does. I say, if it's in the way, push or walk around it depending on what it is. I think you should go to A to C depending on the road.

Marco says nothing except those who are worthy, have a voice. And he say's no matter what, push. Marco goes to A to B.

And this is what makes humans, humans. Our paths are the same, but the way we walk them is different. And the detours along the way are different.

Rachel's like Marco. She kill's what's in the way. Even Tom.

Ax lives with honor, Tobias lives alone.

My philosophy is different.

My world is different.

It used to be more like Cassie's.

It's now more like Marco's cynical one.

And it's skipping Marco and heading straight towards the psycho one of Rachel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hello, Jake.'

'Hey, Cassie.'

'You still don't…'

'Do you?'

'Nope.'

That's the thing I like about Cassie. You never have to say what hurts. She knows.

'Does Erek know when they're sentencing?'

'He has a mind it's tomorrow. Though, it could just sneak us.'

I looked away. My eyes stung with tears. I cursed. I cursed this whole ominous condition. It was worthless. It was the end of Tom.

And I couldn't stop it.

Nothing I did.

Nothing.

I was scared.

I feared for the worse.

I knew this would happen.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

Foolish to cry. But I couldn't stop it.

I tried in vain.

But my attempts were met with the interminable stench of defeat. It was an irremediable, costly effort.

I wouldn't let my brother die.

Cassie put her arm around me. 'There could be a way to help Tom.'

I looked at her like she was crazy. 'You told me yourself this was a lost cause.'

'Not all is lost Jake. We're your friends. We'll at least help you.'

'Marco's not.'

'Marco's just still baring the scar's form when his mother died. Then he later learned she was better off dead.'

I sighed.

'Thank you, for at least trying. I better do this one myself.'

She shook her head in understanding and compassion.

'I just don't' want you to hurt yourself. I love you.'

I took Cassie's head in my hands for a long loving kiss.

I felt her lips touch mine and knew this was the right place I was in. Heaven.

I didn't care what anybody said.

I cared about things. Yeah, it made be all sap, but you gotta hand it to Cassie.

She perks moods right up.

But this mood she couldn't lift.

It was the feeling of loneliness. No matter how many friends I had helping, I'd always feel lonely about Tom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Later I waited for Tom to leave.

Sweat beaded on my forehead. 

My friends said when they found out the date; they'd go for me. They told me I needed to sit this one out. They were afraid I'd coward out. No be able to do fight. Even to save my life I wouldn't kill Tom.

I'd coward out for sure.

I'd never harm my own brother. Only Rachel knows the way I feel. 

Siblings share a bond.

But, I don't' want to be on the same plane with Rachel.

How would I live knowing I let Tom slip? I could've saved him.

I waited for something to happen. Anything. Anything!

Waiting for something you don't' want. It was like I was getting killed. I hadn't felt agony or pain this way. It was waiting for the worst.

Now I know how my parent's feel when I'm out. It worries them like this.

And they have good reason to punish me for it.

Even if it _isn't_ my fault.

We don't plan any of this to happen.

It just… springs on us.

I waited all night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It never came.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cleared a little sleep.

Not much.

I woke up the next morning anew.

New start.

New day.

New horrors…

I had better stop while I'm ahead. 

I sat up in my bed and rubbed my eyes to brush the sleep away. As my eyes adjusted to the new morning. Sun washed over my bed like a golden river. It cast a spell on my room.

Morning sunshine.

I looked around.

I'm the Marco outside your window. Open up sleepy.

I lifted my window and an osprey flew in.

'Jake,' he said after his mouth was more or less there. 'We've found the date for Tom's sentencing.'

'When?'

Marco, now human, pierced me with his glare. 'It's tonight Jake.'

'Can you do something?'

'We'll try…'

'Try harder!'

'He's just getting questioned. He's not going to get executed or anything till a long time. They have to figure out a suitable punishment for such a crime.'

I shivered. Suitable. That meant really torturous and harsh.

'These Yeerk rules annoy me. Can't they just go along with it?'

'Look on the bright side.'

'How?' I snapped.

'Well, maybe he'll join the peace forces.'

I barked out a harsh laugh.

'Right.'

'Jake, rest. You've had enough stress. We'll…handle the problem.'

'You paused.'

'I didn't… bye Jake. Later.'

His mouth extruded outward. 

His body shrunk.

White feathers grew.

His eyes slit and widened.

His vocal box no longer worked.

Once he was Marco. Now he was a bird.

He nodded toward me, flexed his wings, and with a gentle push he flew off.

And I, an idiot, watched him in dismay, as he would foul up our perfect plans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rachel came over to my house later. It was Saturday.

She pulled me out onto the porch.

'Jake, we have trouble.'

'What?'

'They're skipping a step.'

'What?' I asked frantically as my heart skipped a beat.

'The execution will commence tonight.'

'What?'

'Don't' worry. We're covering it.'

'How?'

'Battle morphs.'

'What if your cover is… blown?'

'Too late. Here's the plan: morph into battle morphs, stake out the location of where it is, and… attack if necessary.'

I nodded. 'Attack. But don't' hurt Tom. But don't be overly loaded. Don't' take down the Visser. I want him.'

'We have to speed morph, but don't worry. That Yeerk will be dead. Maybe we'll bring it over and let you have that joy. Maybe Tom will want to kill it. When he's not a Controller.'

I heard a rustling in the bushes. I turned around sharply.

'What do want Tom?' yelled Rachel. She clenched her fists.

Had he heard?

'Yeerk? Morph? Visser? Controller? Does my brother have more secrets than kissing a girl when mom and dad said you're way too young?'

'What?' I sputtered.

'You don't think I know?'

'Know what?' asked Rachel, here eyes widening.

'Oh you know.'

'Know what?'

'Don't play dumb my little… Animorphs.'

To be continued…………

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

Things happen for reasons. What reason does this have and is it for the better or worse of Tom?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
